9. forget the milk, start him on Red Bull right away
8. teach him how to survive betrayal by wearing different masks every day. He will learn to recognize people's double face
7. teach him how to network by taking him to "Mommy & Me" sessions
6. forget "sharing" the toys at "Mommy & Me", teach him how to take as many as possible and keep them away from others
5. teach him how to survive politics by changing your tune every day: scold him about not sharing his toys, then reward him for slapping that kid who tried to take his toy away from him
4. make him immune to failure by scolding him when he falls and hurts himself. No "mothering" here
3. teach him how to become a great salesman by giving him more chocolate chip cookies for his school break and insisting he brings an item for each cookie he gives away.
2. insist he negotiates alone with his teacher about his seat in the classroom. No intervention from Mommy. Send him back into it over and over again.
1. walk him to centerfield at halftime and have him open his eyes. He'll instinctively learn how to wow a huge audience.
Warning: this is a joke. DO NOT attempt to do this with your child. You may be subject to child protection laws in your jurisdiction.
